I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize