I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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