out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
