Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
