just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
