i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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