I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
