I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
