Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
