Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
