I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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