I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
