How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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