Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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