what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
