im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
