weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i just google imaged poop.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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