On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
