when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
