if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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