I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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