i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
