I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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