I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
