My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
