Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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