i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
