my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
