I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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