Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
