i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
