WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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