Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
