so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
