I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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