I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
