he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
