I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
