Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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