Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
