So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
