god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Your cock deserves a montage
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
