you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
