I cannot find my penis.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
