Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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