i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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