chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
