Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
