Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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