Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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