I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize