pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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