woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
