Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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