i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize