At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
