shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize
